in which relationships are difficult
October 14, 2009, 5:53 pm

the conversation circled around for an hour, but the gist of it was this, she said to me, "i can't tell you why i'm mad, because you're just going to try to convince me why i shouldn't be mad." to which i replied, "you're goddamn right i am."

i was so startled by her statement that i literally had to step back and gather my thoughts into a cohesive retort. and here is what i came up with. i get to have any and every chance to stop you from being mad. why would you want to be mad? if i did something wrong, genuinely, then you have the right to be mad. but you don't want to be mad... do you? i don't want you to be mad. it doesn't do me any good, and it doesn't do you any good. so why would you want to STOP ME from stopping you from being mad. because you think i'll think less of you? no way. the only time i think less of you is when you DON'T TELL ME WHY YOU'RE MAD! because what can i do about it? i can't defend myself because i don't know why you're mad, and if you don't want me to stop you, that means you just want to stay mad. and yes, THAT makes me think less of you.

but give me the chance, any chance, EVERY chance to make you not mad. cuz 99% of the time, i dont know what the fuck you're talking about. because guess what? i don't want you mad! so if i don't want you mad, then why would i have done something to piss you off on purpose? ours is not a relationship spiraling around the acrimonious asshole of defeat. ours is a healthy young relationship. which only stays healthy by conversation and my opportunity to defuse any situation.

so if i ever do something that pisses you off, don't hold it in and stew over it all day and then bring it up while we're having fun and i say something else that inadvertently sets you off. tell me immediately. something like this "hey, are you serious?" and i'll be all "nah, i'm not serious" and then please, if you don't want to just be mad at me, accept that. because, if i'm mad at you, i'll tell you i'm serious. if i'm not really mad at you, if it wasn't really that big of a deal, i'll tell you i'm kidding, and as far as everyone is concerned, that is now true, whether or not it was a second ago. but chances are much better that i just said something to be funny, or did something to be cute, and you took it the wrong way. you took it the wrong way, and instead of discussing it, you stayed mad all day, and now you're too embarrassed because you realize i don't know what you're talking about and maybe you misinterpreted something and you think i'll think less of you for it. well i won't, but i wouldn't have even less if you had just talked about it earlier.

all of this is not to say i had a fight with someone tonight. because i don't have fights, because i'd rather solve problems. you see, i'm a problem solver, and sometimes people create their own quagmire of problems for themselves that they think they can't get out of because the other person will think less of them. well even though we likely won't think less of you, if we do, it's likely a temporary thing. a lot more temporary than the hate we have for games being played with us.

this is a cautionary tale, kids. some people like to play the "you know what you did" game, and i'm calling bullshit on that, right here, right now. because guess what, we don't know what you're talking about.

i guess it's possible there are people out there who do want to piss each other off. if you're those people FUCK OFF! you're ruining life for everyone. if you're not, then talk it out. don't keep it secret. just like when you were a kid, i'm not gonna be mad at you if you just admit it. i might be mad a little, but i'll get over it. but not if you lie about... or even just keep it from me. that's harder to get over. be up front people. save everyone a little hassle, and a little heartache. talk it out.

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