it has been a long time
December 29, 2008, 1:50 pm

a very long time. i often neglect this place. but i like weblogs. i doubt more than 3 people read this, but it's more for me, anyways. sometimes i see people with private blogs or posts, and i wonder if i'll ever have to do that, but i hope not. i like the freedom of writing whatever i want to write here. the excitement of knowing someone might see it who shouldn't. the hope that someone will see it who should. the joy of not hiding for a small moment of my life, and letting it all hang out.

i've been watching the tv show weeds recently.

and i don't know how to embed youtube videos anymore, so here is a link to a clip that ensures that the next time you wonder to yourself, "what kind of changes is my body going through right now?" you'll have answers at your fingertips. it features the character andy, the brother of the protagonists dead husband, who is giving said protagonist's son a lesson in... manly things. it's pretty much brilliant.

jon and i did a marathon over the past 3 days and watched all four seasons of weeds. the show is pretty great. it's a little bit funny, it's a little bit sexy, it's a little bit stonery. but it's great. i highly endorse it.

i went back to tucson for christmas. i saw my family again. saw my home. my sister was huge. is huge. that baby is gonna kick right through her any day now. i'm pretty excited. i really want our family to exist beyond us.

it's... something i never thought i would ever think about. i was so young once. i can't decide whether i think back on it fondly or not. there was a time when i knew nothing. i can recall it distinctly. i remember the first time i cursed. i remember the first time i did it with abandon. but i also remember when i would rebuke people for cursing around me. i remember when i smoked my first cigarette, and i remember when i smoked my first joint. i'll never forget my first big hard bong rip. but i still find the act of smoking repugnant. it makes me sick, and DESTROYS my immune system. it smells and it hurts my lungs. i hate coughing.

but i still do it. i'm too dumb not to.

... this is going to be a long rambling post. get out now while you still can.

i wonder how many people go back and read their diaries. much less their old blogs. it's a very fascinating record keeping system of something that will surely never be checked again. perhaps ever. maybe one day there will be people paid to read through old blogs. it will be their job to catalogue the early part of this century and the only way to do it will be to read about little girls bitching about each other, young boys pondering life, and hypocrites talking about things they don't like.

i like to go back and read my old blogs sometimes. on the wayback machine. oh many, remember when rob would write on my blog? you know the old evilstar blog is actually still available. i hope it stays that way. i actually really hope that some day we use it again. those are definitely days i look back on with fondness. when me and laureen, and holly, and mike, and tarsh, and... whoever that other guy was, had our webcam portal and would goof off all the time on it. i seriously miss those days on the internet.

and now there is facebook. and now i just found out that the first girl i ever had a huge crush on is engaged. and it sort of.. hit me hard. i'm 27. i know that most people never do anything til their 30's, but man... i'm knocking on that door. and i'm at sea. awash. i am floundering, no matter the depths of my good intentions. i moved out to california to get a new start, and all i've found is an arm cramp from trying so desperately hard to hang on to the edge. but the problem is, it's not a real ledge. it's a movie ledge. because i have a floor 2 feet below me. i'm rock climbing in a gym, because the real thing scares me to death. i should've moved to europe. I SHOULD'VE SEEN EUROPE. i need to go to mexico. why did i never go to canada? i've been near both borders, right goddamn next to them, for over 10 years now.

and now i'm here. being kicked out of my apartment. i just put most of my things into a van and watched it drive away and trusted that it was being sent to a storage unit to house my things. half of my things will be there, half of my things will be at christian's place, and half of them will still be back at my parents' home. i hate starting over. inevitably i forget something, and i'll be too lazy to go retrieve it, and so instead i will just buy a new one. at once i am the path of least resistance, and all at the same time i am a person who instigates conflict.

and now jon and larissa are watching red vs blue. i've lost the will to write any more. maybe i'll write more later.