in which i lie in pain
October 6, 2008, 10:50 pm

i am in the most incredible amount of pain right now. my mouth is torturing me for the sins of my youth. when i was young, and for the purpose of this story, we'll consider young up to a couple months ago, i did not regularly brush my teeth. indeed, it could be said that i rarely, nay perhaps never, brushed my teeth. it was never part of my daily regimen in childhood, and so it never carried over into adulthood. a couple years ago, one of my bottom right molars popped off the inner back corner of itself. so far this has merely been a minor inconvenience. things would get stuck in it, i found myself wielding a toothpick more often than not.

but the last two nights, it has moved over into the threshold of villainy. my mouth has taken it upon itself to teach me a lesson for bad oral hygiene. last night i writhed in pain, without rest or relenting. eventually i went to the store, and i bought three items. 1: some benzocaine, namely orasol. i had read that this would relieve my pain, and achingly, i sought it out. 2: advil. i figured it always comes in handy, and i did not have any at the time. 3: some fingernail clippers. my toenails were a sight, and in severe need of clipping.

it turns out that benzocaine is a farce. oh sure, it dulls your mouth so that you can't feel anything but numb... for maybe 5 minutes. then the pain returns. against the expressed directions of the bottle, i applied it again, more thoroughly, only to find a similar result. i somehow passed out eventually, well into the morning, and hoped that my problems were over.

but tonight the pain returned. slowly at first, then rising like a crescendo, tremulously straining towards the apex of torture. once again the benzocaine is useless to me. but only now do i actually read the bottle of advil. oh look, helps with TOOTHACHES. we shall see. they say it can take a while for it to take effect. so here i sit. typing at my soon to be replaced laptop just hoping that eventually the discomfort will subside.

dear god, take this pain away long enough for me to go visit some nice person dressed in white who will tear this tainted tooth from my trap.