in which i am borderline racist
January 4, 2009, 11:40 am

but i believe i have discovered the definition of irony. and it is the muslim people greeting each other with the phrase assalamu alaikum, which means peace be unto you. i never knew what it meant until now. and i had a sad chuckle when i learned what it meant.

i drew a bunch today. i'm kind of proud of most of what i did. tonight i'm going to be hitting the cd release party of my friend boodie's band. they are called guild. i've never heard them, so i hope they're good.


in which i am sleepy
December 30, 2008, 7:30 pm

it's late. i got to go out with aaron and christian. christian is slightly japanese, i am white, and aaron has an afro. we went to a straight up mexican bar, where the waitresses did not speak a bit of english. and somehow, we got through the night alright. in fact, those might've been the three best cervesas of my life.

i had fun. i got to talk with christian a little, and aaron for the first time. we drove through the thickest fog i've seen in ages. it was craziness. and we talked about going to tijuana, which i really want to do. i also talked with my friend ox a bit ago about going to south africa in 2010 for the world cup, and i actually talked with another friend about going to south america for the... 2016? world cup? i dunno. i can't remember. suffice to say, this ombre gonna be wearin red white and blue some day soon, and kickin the shit out of anybody in apposing colors that he can lay his hands on.

also, i moved into my new place. i'm on the floor now, but that's by choice.


it has been a long time
December 29, 2008, 1:50 pm

a very long time. i often neglect this place. but i like weblogs. i doubt more than 3 people read this, but it's more for me, anyways. sometimes i see people with private blogs or posts, and i wonder if i'll ever have to do that, but i hope not. i like the freedom of writing whatever i want to write here. the excitement of knowing someone might see it who shouldn't. the hope that someone will see it who should. the joy of not hiding for a small moment of my life, and letting it all hang out.

i've been watching the tv show weeds recently.

and i don't know how to embed youtube videos anymore, so here is a link to a clip that ensures that the next time you wonder to yourself, "what kind of changes is my body going through right now?" you'll have answers at your fingertips. it features the character andy, the brother of the protagonists dead husband, who is giving said protagonist's son a lesson in... manly things. it's pretty much brilliant.

jon and i did a marathon over the past 3 days and watched all four seasons of weeds. the show is pretty great. it's a little bit funny, it's a little bit sexy, it's a little bit stonery. but it's great. i highly endorse it.

i went back to tucson for christmas. i saw my family again. saw my home. my sister was huge. is huge. that baby is gonna kick right through her any day now. i'm pretty excited. i really want our family to exist beyond us.

it's... something i never thought i would ever think about. i was so young once. i can't decide whether i think back on it fondly or not. there was a time when i knew nothing. i can recall it distinctly. i remember the first time i cursed. i remember the first time i did it with abandon. but i also remember when i would rebuke people for cursing around me. i remember when i smoked my first cigarette, and i remember when i smoked my first joint. i'll never forget my first big hard bong rip. but i still find the act of smoking repugnant. it makes me sick, and DESTROYS my immune system. it smells and it hurts my lungs. i hate coughing.

but i still do it. i'm too dumb not to.

... this is going to be a long rambling post. get out now while you still can.

i wonder how many people go back and read their diaries. much less their old blogs. it's a very fascinating record keeping system of something that will surely never be checked again. perhaps ever. maybe one day there will be people paid to read through old blogs. it will be their job to catalogue the early part of this century and the only way to do it will be to read about little girls bitching about each other, young boys pondering life, and hypocrites talking about things they don't like.

i like to go back and read my old blogs sometimes. on the wayback machine. oh many, remember when rob would write on my blog? you know the old evilstar blog is actually still available. i hope it stays that way. i actually really hope that some day we use it again. those are definitely days i look back on with fondness. when me and laureen, and holly, and mike, and tarsh, and... whoever that other guy was, had our webcam portal and would goof off all the time on it. i seriously miss those days on the internet.

and now there is facebook. and now i just found out that the first girl i ever had a huge crush on is engaged. and it sort of.. hit me hard. i'm 27. i know that most people never do anything til their 30's, but man... i'm knocking on that door. and i'm at sea. awash. i am floundering, no matter the depths of my good intentions. i moved out to california to get a new start, and all i've found is an arm cramp from trying so desperately hard to hang on to the edge. but the problem is, it's not a real ledge. it's a movie ledge. because i have a floor 2 feet below me. i'm rock climbing in a gym, because the real thing scares me to death. i should've moved to europe. I SHOULD'VE SEEN EUROPE. i need to go to mexico. why did i never go to canada? i've been near both borders, right goddamn next to them, for over 10 years now.

and now i'm here. being kicked out of my apartment. i just put most of my things into a van and watched it drive away and trusted that it was being sent to a storage unit to house my things. half of my things will be there, half of my things will be at christian's place, and half of them will still be back at my parents' home. i hate starting over. inevitably i forget something, and i'll be too lazy to go retrieve it, and so instead i will just buy a new one. at once i am the path of least resistance, and all at the same time i am a person who instigates conflict.

and now jon and larissa are watching red vs blue. i've lost the will to write any more. maybe i'll write more later.


in which i lie in pain
October 6, 2008, 10:50 pm

i am in the most incredible amount of pain right now. my mouth is torturing me for the sins of my youth. when i was young, and for the purpose of this story, we'll consider young up to a couple months ago, i did not regularly brush my teeth. indeed, it could be said that i rarely, nay perhaps never, brushed my teeth. it was never part of my daily regimen in childhood, and so it never carried over into adulthood. a couple years ago, one of my bottom right molars popped off the inner back corner of itself. so far this has merely been a minor inconvenience. things would get stuck in it, i found myself wielding a toothpick more often than not.

but the last two nights, it has moved over into the threshold of villainy. my mouth has taken it upon itself to teach me a lesson for bad oral hygiene. last night i writhed in pain, without rest or relenting. eventually i went to the store, and i bought three items. 1: some benzocaine, namely orasol. i had read that this would relieve my pain, and achingly, i sought it out. 2: advil. i figured it always comes in handy, and i did not have any at the time. 3: some fingernail clippers. my toenails were a sight, and in severe need of clipping.

it turns out that benzocaine is a farce. oh sure, it dulls your mouth so that you can't feel anything but numb... for maybe 5 minutes. then the pain returns. against the expressed directions of the bottle, i applied it again, more thoroughly, only to find a similar result. i somehow passed out eventually, well into the morning, and hoped that my problems were over.

but tonight the pain returned. slowly at first, then rising like a crescendo, tremulously straining towards the apex of torture. once again the benzocaine is useless to me. but only now do i actually read the bottle of advil. oh look, helps with TOOTHACHES. we shall see. they say it can take a while for it to take effect. so here i sit. typing at my soon to be replaced laptop just hoping that eventually the discomfort will subside.

dear god, take this pain away long enough for me to go visit some nice person dressed in white who will tear this tainted tooth from my trap.


in which i read asimov
September 29, 2008, 6:07 am

"There is no right to deny freedom to any object with a mind advanced enough to grasp the concept and desire the state." - isaac asimov.

my favorite writer of all time.


in which i am at a loss for words
September 14, 2008, 2:49 pm

i was going to a locksmith this morning. i was on motor, heading to venice. when i got to the intersection, there was stuff in the turn lane. as i got closer, it was a motorcycle with glass everywhere. as i got closer, there were legs poking out from one side.

i snapped this picture.

i didn't know what to do. but my first instinct was to document it. as i passed him, it looked like he had a large red ball at the end of his body. no one had covered his head. i imagine the crash must have just happened.

i really didn't think too much of it at the time. i'm a very logical person. death is part of life. but i find myself reflecting on it tonight. i still had a good day at work even tho i didn't have great sales, and even tho i should've seen this moment as a portent of things to come.

this is the second dead body i can remember seeing. my uncle being the first. i don't recall seeing my grandfather. i might have... but i don't recall it.


in which i am tired
September 5, 2008, 7:53 pm

i worked a boeing party tonight at knotts berry. it was actually a lot of fun, and i made some great drawings. i also really felt like i hit my artistic stride tonight. ... well quality wise anyways. i still need to work on my speed. but i feel like i did some really good caricatures. i kept meaning to take pictures of them, and just never really got around to it.

oh well.

i also started coding again yesterday. i'm working on my file editor again. trying to ajaxify it. making decent progress. luckily, most of the infrastructure is already coded. just certain things that need to be reworked.


in which i can't compete
August 16, 2008, 7:06 pm

how about that michael phelps, huh?

and does anyone ever watch stuff on hulu? they add new movies periodically. i think it's the wave of the future. can't wait for more.


in which i am relieved
August 5, 2008, 7:28 am

well, we finished our pitch and sent it off. now it's a waiting game.

i hate waiting.