in which i do no such thing
January 24, 2006, 5:49 pm

i'm learning C# and asp.NET. did i mention that? i am. it's kind of annoying moving from php to asp. on one hand, i love php. i like the simplicity of the language, and i like that it's constantly being updated. i like that i can use notepad to make php files and not be told i'm hamstringing myself if i don't write code in a debugger.

asp.NET is very different. for one thing, i spent a long time building a function that would allow me to pass a sql query into it and it would return a paged table of data. i spent a long time making it exactly how i wanted it. only to find out that asp.NET has nearly the same thing except better in it's datagrid object. that's very annoying. .NET is trying to hold my hand. i like to make this stuff myself. i want the BASICS to be made for me, but i want to make the cool stuff myself. now there's no reason or need to. it's already there. it's very annoying.

it's more annoying to know that i am so easily tossed aside. all my hard work is for nothing in this other language. i've taken a long time to learn php, but asp.NET doesn't want me to know it's workings. "use our little widgets and everything will be fine." "trust us." "just throw in a label and it'll all work out in the end." DAMMIT, I WANNA MAKE IT MYSELF! i didn't sign on to be a coder so that i could copy your tools. if i'd've wanted that, i would've stayed with html. i wanted to MAKE SHIT HAPPEN! i want to create. but with asp.NET it's right back to cut and paste. it's all there already. just pick and choose what you want, and fill it in. it's very disheartening. but then again... it's so much easier now. it's more complicated to learn - to master - certainly, but it's so much easier to implement. how can i honestly be down on something that will save me so much time, in the end. i can't.

... it's very disconcerting.

It's what you bring to it
January 23, 2006, 5:39 pm

Life isn't about waiting around for things to be brought to you, it's about using the gifts you have to bring something new to the table. Some people wonder what the key to success in life is. I've got the keys right here.

Key #1. Be Unique. This does not mean you have to be original, it merely means that you have to do something different.

Key #2. Be Enthusiastic. There's is nothing more contagious then being around a person who is pumped for a subject. Except perhaps yawning... yawning gets passed around like the plague.

Key #3. Be Confident. Even if you don't know what the hell you're doing. Be confident in attempting, and exude an air of confidence in all that you do. Awards and diplomas and certifications are all well and good, but if you're confident, people will believe you.

Key #4. Be Excellent (to each other). If you are right with people, then people will be right with you. Everybody's expecting an angle. Everybody is used to not trusting anyone, so when you give them reason to trust you, you make friends for life.

Key #5. Be Forgiving. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone can find it within themselves to forgive the people who do them wrong.

Key #6. Be Judicious. Treat people with the respect they deserve. However, judge everything that crosses your path. Test things before giving your easy consent to them, and don't take no guff offa nobody.

These are the keys to success in relationships, and the keys to success in business. They are the keys to success in life. Being unique will single you out in a crowd. Being enthusiastic will draw people to you, whatever you do. Being confident will cause people to be confident in you. Being excellent toward others will induce them to be excellent to you. Being forgiving will mend all of your silly little problems. Being judicious will show that you are not to be taken advantage of. Life is a game that anyone can win. It's a constant back and forth of shows of strength and submission. But above all you MUST MOVE FORWARD. I have often wondered whether it is better to walk down a road with no direction, or to stop and decide which road to take. I believe now, that the key is constant forward motion. THIS is your life. NOW is your time.

Six Degrees of Lost
January 22, 2006, 9:23 pm

Lost is a hit tv show shown on the ABC television network

ABC is owned by Disney

Disney has released all of Pixar's films

Pixar is a company owned by Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs is the creative force behind the Ipod

Ipod has episodes of Lost for purchase

It never quite dawned on me before just why Ipod seemed to only be showing ESPN and ABC television shows. but this is, I believe, undeniable proof why.

Also, if you're not watching Lost, you might as well be stabbing yourself in the face repeatedly. Because that's what every moment until the next episode feels like to me.

I haven't written in here in a long time. I alsways say I'm going to, and then I don't. I'm going to start writing in here again. Take that as you like.

I make a new start in life
July 8, 2005, 11:44 am

Nobody reads this. and that's probably good. i have started in arizona with limitless merit. i needed somewhere to stay, and i have been more than accommodated. i needed a job, and have found myself within the throes of a company that quite possibly needs me more than they even realize.

but more importantly than all that is this. i am riding the bus.

the bus is an experience unto itself. public transportation gives form to some of life's most pathetic wretches, and some of humanity's most noble ventures. some of the people that board the bus have not bathed in weeks. some of their minds are so far gone that they ramble on to themselves, or to anybody that will listen to them... or to anybody they THINK is listening to them. but some of the people who ride the bus make extraordinary acts of ordinary kindness. when wheelchair bound people get on the bus, everybody calmly gets up out of the seats that fold in, to leave room for the wheelchair. if somebody knows the procedure they will usually find the latch, release the seat, and probably help the person secure themselves into the wheelchair latch. it is quite amazing, refreshing, and it renews my faith in humanity.

i ride the 8:00 in the morning, and the 6:00 at night. i go from university and stone, to oracle and rudasill, and then back from rudasill and oracle, to stone and university. i talk to very few people. but some of them talk to me. i have been asked for smokes and money three times now, in as many days. i assume it is because i look like i have money. i have to explain to the poor beasts, that i have no money, i have no cigs, and my sister bought me these clothes for my job. some of you might be offended by my calling them beasts, but i say that only because their minds are gone. they have only just enough will to keep going. but that's all. they have become nothing more than animals, running on the instinct to preserve their own pathetic lives. some of you might even STILL be offended. and to that, i say, you just haven't met the people who proposition me.

i got on an empty bus today, after work. it continued to be desolate until we reached the transit center at tohono tadai. about 10 people got on here, including a family. a man, a woman, and their four children. the man and woman could not have been out of their twenties. the eldest boy looked about five, and the youngest was a little girl. she was slightly pudgy, and far to big for the slender figure of her mother to be carrying her. yet that is exactly what happened. two boys sat behind the father, and the other boy sat with his mother, carrying the rotund little girl, in front of the father. the girl would reach for the little boy in what appeared to be affection. i couldn't venture a guess as to how old she was, but she was young enough that she needed to be carried, and seemingly held aloft, lest she fall over in any direction. the boy gave her his hand, and she bit it. he cried out in shock, but the next minute was giving her his hand again.

later, the little girl started to cry. she would wail out for no apparent reason, until the father would take her hand, and hit his with hers, and say "ouch", and she would begin to laugh. i say begin, but that is not quite the right way to say it. one minute she would be crying intently, and the next she would be giggling hysterically. it was a profound moment in my life, as i watched the daughter constantly begin to cry again, and then turn right back around when she had "assaulted" her father.

i got off the bus, and came home. and now i sit, writing these notes. i find myself wanting to do this everyday, but i fear i won't be able to stick to it. i can only hope that i prove my on misgivings wrong.

HC

i loves me some tv
February 12, 2003, 2:56 pm

so i watched angel tonight. and damn if that isn't just a great show. i saw it comin when angelis hadn't really been changed by the spell. that was too obvious. but cordie stabbing the other chick at the end was SOOO out of the blue.

... now... some of you may be saying, "angel? on the wb? what are you gay?" and to those people, i must snicker, because they obviously never saw an episode. the show is so good. the dynamics between the cast. and the ever changing cast. and i must admit, angelis is such a great character. i bet boreanaz relishes these times. until it's back to boring ol pouty whiny wussy angel. and i think it's awesome that, once again, the main character on the show? IS A BAD GUY!!! WOOT!!! that's so awesome. i think the wb is chuckin out some great tv right now. the dawson's creek episode tonight was a tad mushy (but when is it not?) but really good. i liked the premise, and the two actors carried it off perfectly. i also love the superman series, smallville. mainly for the dynamic between lex and everyone else. they've really set him up as the shit collector. constantly giving him more and more reason to be the lex we all know in the future, and, i think, making him a much more well-rounded character.

yes, i loves me some tv. don't even get me started on ed. cuz that show just rocks me hard.

stupid computer...
February 12, 2003, 2:58 am

i really don't know what's wrong with this thing. sometimes i swear i have a virus. i'm downloading a movie on kazaa, and everytime the modem disconnects, kazaa seems to lock up. this didn't ever used to happen. the task manager doesn't work anymore either. if a program locks up, you're supposed to be able to close it with the task manager. but if i try to close something, then the task manager locks up TOO. and that, in turn, locks up the entire system. URGH. it's so frustrating.

I haven't been able to write any new lyrics in ages. i just have no inspiration. and i keep playing the same few tunes over and over again. Bm - G A, Bm - G A, Bm G A Gb, Bm - G Bm A G, G - A Bm, G - Bm A, G - A Bm, G - Bm A, repeat. one of these days i'm gonna write something for that. i like the way it sounds.

ah well. i think i should reboot. get kazaa back online.

wow.
February 11, 2003, 3:04 pm

i haven't used this thing in ages... but i guess since my site is down for now, i should start again.

...

i draw. wanna see my latest?

wheee. i wanna make a fighting game so bad. SO SO SO SO SO SO SOSOSOSOSOSOOOOOOOOOOO bad. but my tablet is broke. :( so for now, all i can do is sketch out character concepts. i'm working on some more right now, and hopefully those will be done sometime soon. wouldn't that be nice? i thought so.

and who would listen?
November 16, 2001, 12:27 am

i like to inform people. i really like it. i have all these tidbits of knowledge that i've acquired along my travels on this rock, and i love to impart those to other people when they are appropriate. i want to be a psychiatrist. an artist psychiatrist. i'll listen to the people as i draw them, and when they're done, they'll get a picture of themselves. and they'll feel good. and forget all their problems. until they get home... to the root of their problems. :)

let it flow...
October 11, 2001, 5:37 pm

gonna try to write something. we'll see if this works out.

the air was cold but i was warm

the fire crackled endlessly

and we discussed how our lives could have been better

surrounded by the burning evergreens

i brought a match just in case you left your lighter

and i brought some kerosene

and i knew that we'd make sure that no one else

got a chance to dance amongst our evergreens

cuz it was our woods and our time

and no one else could have what we had had

a time of love and a time of deep emotion

the only kind that truly made me glad

and i couldn't stand even thinking of another person

standing in the spot where we first kissed

and as i look deep and deeper into your eyes

i'm glad this wasn't something else i missed

time has past since we burned those woods asunder

and i just got out last week

intruiging how they could catch me but not find you

bitch i think you tipped them off to me

and now this song takes a turn for something wierder

cuz i've run out of things to say and things to write

but for some odd reason i'm still writing and still rhyming

in a desperate attempt to fend off sleeping for the night

but my bodies starting to give in and i'm sure that soon i'll go

and then i'll hit the keyboard with a thud

and the little gnome that lives outside my bedroom door will get me

and this writing will be all that's left of me

but you don't care, no you never cared for me

even though i helped you through your times of need

you always used me just to sate your wild desires

and somehow that's just fine by me

...

ugh. anyways. yeah. that went all wrong.

wow...
October 11, 2001, 6:15 am

so i turn on this thing. and i'm lookin through the moods. and i think to myself, i wonder what mood i'm in. and i try to think of the most obscure mood i could possibly be in. and the term complacent comes to mind. and what do ya know? complacent is one of my mood options. how screwed up is that? that's pretty screwed up.

so apparently i'm complacent.

... what the hell does that mean?

complacent?

...

i'm gonna go look that up, hold on, i'll be back.

...

com·pla·cent (km-plsnt)

adj.

Contented to a fault; self-satisfied and unconcerned: He had become complacent after years of success.

Eager to please; complaisant.

hm. ya know... i probably already knew that. i just didn't know it. ya know what i mean? it's like the more i learn the more i can't remember.

so i just started thinkin about more stuff to type and i decided to pick the music i was listening to. ... but i wasn't listening to anything. so i put in the song i've been listening to all... what day is it? thursday. all week i guess. i was about to write in weekend. damn, i'm screwed around right now. where was i? oh yeah. so i picked my song and then decided to listen to it, cuz damn rockapella's good. so i flip on morpheus and put my music on repeat and turn up "come on eileen"... and now it's hard to concentrate. cuz this song has so much going on in it, it's hard to concentrate on anything else and still get the full effect of the song.

... yeah. hm. well now. this almost feels like an actual journal now. i don't think i could have joined if they had called it girlyjournal or diarywhee. that would've just been too wierd. yeah. so... umm... i guess i'm done. so i'm gonna stop writing. just wanted to say that i just woke up seconds ago from a really good dream. i mostly dream about seeing old friends. which makes my dreams really good. when i have them. anyways. i just woke up and i remembered a topic that ocurred on www.evilstar.net about me looking like wolverine. bu i had that full beard going on, whereas logan just has the badass chops. so tried shaving off the middle of my face, and now i look like a dork. not that i didn't before, but before it was just genetic and now it's self-applied. oh well. yeah, so... now i'm stoppin.